Stitching My Mouth Shut
by I Spaz With Pizzazz
Summary: Kakuzu doesn't seem to notice, and Hidan can't seem to say it. KakuHida, Shounen-ai. -Complete-
1. I'm One For Two

**A/N: **I wanted to write a KakuHida fic because it's my friend's favourite pairing…she'll be happy when she finds it. X3 I hope other people will be happy too? I like it so far, so please read it and review? Please enjoy it! xD I'll have chapter two soon, depending on what you guys think.

Disclaimer: I don't own naruto anymore than you do, which is probably not at all, unless you're Kishimoto. xD and if you _are _him; wow, hi, you're AMAZING!!

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Stitching my Mouth Shut

Number ONE

He prayed to his beloved Jashin that he might someday come across a person he didn't have to sacrifice. And, if he might find that one person, he wouldn't have to punish himself for wanting them.

It seemed that Jashin had full well heard the first part of his prayer, but the latter half must have been lost to the wind. Hidan had been granted his dear one, his perfect person, but every night he made another slash across his skin because it was a sin to watch him in that way. Jashin said not to.

_Fuck off ,you idiot. Kakuzu won't fucking look at you, so send the idea of happiness all the way to Hell. Damn it to fucking Hell…!_

And more droplets of crimson painted his walls as he mourned the loss of the man he couldn't have

--

Okay, at least Kakuzu hadn't killed him like he'd killed all his other bushels of partners. That was a good sign, right? Well, maybe there _was _that itty bitty detail of Hidan being immortal…but Hidan didn't want to think about that. It was discouraging, damn it!

Eh.

Fine.

Maybe it didn't count because of that immortality thing…

To rephrase it, then, at least Kakuzu hadn't ever _tried _to kill him. If he annoyed the shit out of his partner as much as the others had, the stitched-nin probably would've at least tested the credibility of the immortality thing, wouldn't he?

Yeah.

But still, Hidan felt unnoticed by Kakuzu. Being just his partner in crime wasn't enough for the zealot; he wanted to _be there _for the tall man.

"Fuck! I'm an idiot!" Hidan slammed his head down on the table, hating himself.

"If you're going to punish yourself for 'Jashin-sama', could you at least go somewhere else?'' the object of his misery scoffed, "We don't need to see all of that…"

_Are you fucking BLIND!? _He raged in his head, pulling on his silver hair in frustration, _Can't you see that I'm in LOVE with you, you stupid son of a bitch?!_

But bringing the words into a coherent sound was impossible, because his mouth just couldn't find a way to say them. _Jashin help me, I'm an IDIOT…_

"Kakuzu-samaaaa!" It was Tobi, zooming in and tackling the miser in a hug, "Kuzu-sama!" he said brightly, leaping up and flailing his arms, "Wanna play Monopoly with Tobi? Do ya, do ya?"

"Monopoly…? That's the one with…ah, that's the one with all of the buying and selling of properties. The one with all of the colourful play money… But Tobi, I always _win _that."

"Yeah, but you're the only one who will play it with Tobi!"

"Mmmph. Okay, I'll play if I can be the banker."

"Yaaaye! Tobi's so HAPPY!" and he flung another long hug at him before the pair retreated to find the board game.

Hidan, now alone, left for his room to sulk and find solace in Jashin. As he raised his blade, he stared at the light glinting off of it and grunted, "Fucking money whore. Fucking miser. Fucking Kakuzu…!"

Where the hell did that bastard get off letting that pesky shit hug him so often!? Who the hell said he could do that…?! Who the hell said he could spend time with annoying _Tobi _of all people and not his own partner?! Who the hell said he could do that…?!

And as the sharp blade dug into his tortured skin, he gasped in the pleasure. "Fuck, oh Jashin, oh Jashin don't let it stop hurting, it's so good, Jashin…"

He carved it in deeper, praying for it to keep throbbing like it was for always. However, there was one pain that he didn't want to stay, and it was the one in the center of his chest. It felt so much like it was in his heart…


	2. Seems I'm Just Not WORTH Enough

**A/N: **Hm, I was supposed to be sleeping, but I finished chapter two anyway. X3 I hope you guys like it! Please review if you do? :D

Sadly, I'm still not Masashi Kishimoto, so I sadly still don't own Naruto…oh well.

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Stitching My Mouth Shut

Number TWO

If he bit down on his lip any harder, it was bound to bleed. Soon enough he'd be tasting the saltiness of blood on his tongue.

_But you know, I really wouldn't fucking care._

He'd welcome it happily. Hidan wasn't in the mood to be nice to himself or to anyone else. After he'd emerged yesterday from his brutal self sacrifice session, all he'd found was the putrid scene of Tobi and damned Kakuzu playing that fucking board game. And they dared to be having fun.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

The evil mood had carried over quite well to today, where the Jashinist was sitting, ferociously chewing on his lip and glaring at a wall. Honestly, if he saw any human, he'd probably just bite them. Literally. Instead of his now aching lip.

He liked that ache though; he really loved that ache.

Jashin damn it, why wouldn't it bleed already?!

Let the blood flow, let it flow…come on!

"Hidan, what the hell are you doing now?! Doesn't that _hurt_?!"

Angrily whipping his head around, he was only further pissed off to find his idiot partner. His fucking _blind _partner, the fucking reason for everything.

"I _want _it to hurt. Got a problem?"

_I don't wanna see you right now. Fuck off. Go play with _Tobi _or something…_

But still, Kakuzu was of course the single person he didn't have the heart to tear into. And therefore, of course Kakuzu would be the one to come.

Damn it.

Why was Jashin throwing him in his face, when he still said Hidan couldn't have that perfect person all to himself?

_I'm sorry, I'm sorry; I'll bleed for you… I'll fucking bleed everything out for you, I promise, I will… And I'll fucking suffer, I haven't suffered enough…!_

"That's sick," Kakuzu commented, grimacing as Hidan still didn't let up on his biting. If anything, he chomped harder. For some odd reason however, Kakuzu sat in the chair across from him. "You really shouldn't do that. I don't care if you're immortal. It's sick."

_Then why the hell did you sit?!_

Ahh. There it was. Finally, a taste of blood. Something to hold Jashin over for a bit until Hidan could retreat to his room and pick up a blade. "Jashin-sama told me to. And this is nothing, believe me." A masochistic chuckle followed, and he lowered his eyes to the floor.

What was he thinking, talking to this guy? Yeah, he was his partner, but he never wanted to talk to him again. It hurt more than his self inflicted wounds, to have his strong feeling go unnoticed.

He'd never tell Jashin how that hurt. It was a sin. A sin, a big fat sin…

_Don't do that. Don't think about it._

But he did, because the more it hurt the more he wanted it to leave, and the only way he knew how to make it stop was to get Kakuzu's attention, and use it like a giant band-aid.

_Oh, like _that _will fucking happen. You know that son of a bitch only cares about money._

From the next room came a crashing noise, and Tobi's voice unmistakably murmuring ''Oops…"

Kakuzu noticed abruptly, and called, "Tobi, are you playing near my money box…?"

"Ummm…no!" came the 'innocent' reply, "Tobi is a good boy!"

There, point proven. Only his money mattered. Hidan clearly didn't have value enough to get his attention. How else could he get it? How?!

And while he hated everything, a pair of stray blood droplets fell from his lip and stained the floor.

Kakuzu cringed, "Ahh. Stop that, it's bad for you. I don't care what Jashin says…!"

Hunh?

He noticed that?

Maybe Jashin was letting up…?

Another loud crash from Tobi.

"Oh shit…Tobi! Stop playing near my money box, I said…!" He sprung from the chair, and rushed to rescue his sums.

Hidan found himself sitting alone again.

Again.

Point still proven, only the money made a real splash. At least Jashin would always be with him. At least Jashin could tell him it was wrong to want Kakuzu; it was the idea of a fool.

Hidan rose to go find his blade. Time to show his dear god how thankful he was for the discipline and the guidance…

--

He laughed bitterly as he lifted the blade and saw his reflection in a clean spot. What a hopeless face. What a stupid face.

It just had to be that way, didn't it…until Jashin said yes.


	3. Spell it Out

**A/N: **Well, this was supposed to only be a three-shot, but I decided to make it a four-shot. :3 so you still get another chapter after this one! Yaye! Thank you for all the reviews; they're what made me extend it… x3 I love you guys. Thank you for reading! Review?

Mmm, no, I don't own Naruto. Although, I do own Gaara…in an action figure form! :D he lives on my desk and helps me write. -nods-

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Stitching My Mouth Shut

Number THREE

Weighing the pros and cons seemed to be an okay place to start, if he was actually going to think about thinking about telling Kakuzu. Because, let's face it, Hidan couldn't help himself. It just wasn't possible to ignore it.

So. The cons.

Jashin said no. and when Jashin meant no, he fucking meant no!

Clearly, Kakuzu preferred to keep Tobi-shit as company more than his partner. Dude, had he ever even asked Hidan if he wanted to play Monopoly sometime? No. Of course, it wasn't like Hidan wanted to play that stupid game…but still.

Also, Kakuzu wasn't a fan of the bloody sacrifices. Hidan wasn't about to give those up. Fuck no. Jashin was Jashin. And if he didn't follow the supreme orders, Jashin would kick his ass in Hell or wherever…

And to tie in with that, if Hidan went after Kakuzu without permission, he'd get sent to Hell or wherever and Jashin would kick his ass.

And as for the pros?

Well, there _was _one. And it was that he might actually be happy.

Damn it.

No. it would never work.

All that would work was more pain.

_Bring the pain, bitch…_

--

He was exhausted, doubled over and leaning on his wall to stay standing. Fresh blood marked the room, still seeping from his cuts. Oh, he was so exhausted and numb…the feeling was fading from his limp limbs, and his blade was slipping from his fingers.

"Fuck…what…what's wrong with me, Jashin?"

It was like he was dying…even though he knew that wasn't true. He felt like he'd been dragged through acres of shit and still had more to be dragged through. It was shameful, to want to leave this room and find a place to sleep, sleep until he could control his breathing again. Why the hell was it so fast?! And such a splitting head ache…

Why didn't he want more?

"Jashin, I'm sorry…I'll…I'll make it up to you…"

_But for now, I'm just too damn tired to stand up…_

And he slid down the wall, falling to his knees, kneeling in the pool of his own blood. "Jashin, if I speak, will you hate me and cast me away…?"

If he spoke…

Then what?

Then what?

He would still be able to make it up to Jashin…extra suffering, especially if he was turned away by Kakuzu. Then, there would be mental torture as well…although maybe not as bad as this mental torture he already had.

And if he was _not _told to leave?

Well then, that would mean that…that would mean that Jashin had finally heard him, and given him at last the one person he did not need to kill, to sacrifice…

_Call me a fool, but…_

But…

There was a chance, maybe…

Maybe he was a fool, but maybe Jashin had seen how loyal he was and had decided to reward him.

And maybe there was a chance he could have a stitched-up present, for once…if only for once…

His breath slowed back to normal, and he groped for a smaller knife, clutching it tightly as he felt the cool metal point touch his arm.

"Jashin, I'm…I'm going to…"

Carving each letter slowly, he spelled in crimson paint:

'Tell him'.


	4. Do You Want to JUMP?

**A/N: **Okay, I changed my mind again. xD This was supposed to be the last chapter (well, so was the third one…) but I'm extending the end to number five. X3 Urgh. I'm so fickle….but the good news is, when this is over, I have another idea for a new KakuHida fic…! :D Hehe. So, thank you for reading! Review if you like it?

One chapter left after this! And this time, I think I'm sure… x3

I don't own Naruto. Nope.

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Stitching My Mouth Shut

Number FOUR

_Wait, no maybe I shouldn't…_

Hidan hesitated through the night, his wounds still raw and sore, especially the one he'd made which read 'tell him'. He should have made a question mark at the end of the words, he thought, because he honestly wasn't sure of it.

But then, if he deliberated too much, he would never get it done, damn it. Jashin didn't care to tell him what to do, not that day. Hidan kept asking, but no response came floating into his head.

_You stupid motherfucker. You're a coward, pissing away your life like this…someday, you'll end up alone._ _All fucking alone; and maybe even Jashin will have left you by then…_

All fucking alone.

And it made him sort of sad…because he would have nobody else to blame it on except for himself.

--

Hidan had two halves of himself, but one he liked to keep very secretly locked in a box where no one could find it. Actually, it was more like he had three fourths of himself, and the smaller twenty five percent was hidden in the box. It was small, but lately it wouldn't shut up.

The larger part was the one that people saw, the one that stormed and cursed and was what he was known for. That was what he wanted to be all anyone saw, because the small bit was not what they would expect from him, or what he would expect from himself. Stuffed inside his locked box was a strange sampling of traits. They made him nervous to have because he wasn't used to them.

Those were the ones that needed Kakuzu's attention. At least some spark of recognition…and they might quiet. Perhaps it was too much to ask for…

You know, all Hidan was being was ridiculous.

That is what he tried hard to convince himself; that he was being entirely fucking ridiculous. He tried to convince himself that he was being entirely stupid in this wishful thinking. Kakuzu would never turn his eye onto a foulmouthed, masochistic ass. That was a totally _ridiculous _idea.

But, if not a foulmouthed, masochistic ass, maybe a mellow, guarded fool? What about that, then…? If Hidan would allow himself to embrace, even slightly, that hidden piece that he hated to have, then what?

An opportunity?

_Tell me, Jashin…how much of an idiot am I? _He winced as he gingerly moved his tortured arm to read the letters he'd inscribed in the flesh. Those two words hurt, damn it!

They did, they did…

_So talk. Talk, you fucking selfish piece of…_

_…SHIT, how the hell am I supposed to do that?! _

When the pain and the confusion become so thick that you are delirious enough to have a death wish, you simply just decide to leap in headfirst without checking how deep the water is. You let Jashin take care of the rest. All you need to do is bend your knees and jump.

Oh, that's right. One more thing.

You start praying.


	5. The Last Scream From My Throat Is Yours

**A/N: **:D Hi! This is the last chapter…! Thank you for reading it. I'm happy with how it came along. :3 And, since I've liked writing KakuHida, a started another. It's called Hello Lovely, I Hate You, and I posted the first chappie yesterday. Go read it, maybe? :D But, enjoy this last part! Review, please?

I don't own Naruto. Kishimoto can have it. :3

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Stitching My Mouth Shut

Number FIVE

There were so many variables. So, so many things that could change so quickly… Such as the way his arm had finally stopped burning around the letters. Even though that was changed, Hidan's hesitation hadn't. How could it? Anymore, he couldn't deny that he cared for Kakuzu all too much. If he was going to get shot down, it would be a crushing brick dropped directly on his head, shattering the bone of his skull.

The only way to salvage his sanity and keep it there was to keep quiet.

Yet again.

He hated that.

_I'm a hypocrite, a big fucking hypocrite… _He strained his eyes trying to find a way into a happy sunset. Yes, a happy sunset for his ending credits, with him and Kakuzu holding hands and watching it go to sleep for the night.

No, fluff didn't look good on him, so it would never be able to happen.

--

"Hidan, what did you carve on yourself now?"

Oh, fuck. Had Kakuzu noticed the message he'd written? Yeah, why bother wondering…he'd seen. Ah, that wasn't supposed to happen so soon. Sure, eventually he was probably going to notice it, but Hidan thought he'd been doing a good job of hiding it so far…

Oh, fuck.

He shifted nervously, trying to keep his usual cross look plastered on his face. "It's my religion, damn it. Stop telling me to quit it.

Kakuzu glared, "I didn't say it this time. But still, now that you've brought it up…"

"Fucking keep it to your own damn self." Hidan spat.

He didn't want to have to talk this way, especially in a moment when it almost seemed like his partner cared. Though it was surely only his overactive imagination, it made him feel sort of comforted…

But not a chance.

He'd already determined that much.

In reply, Kakuzu grunted, staring ahead. After a moment though, he returned his gaze to Hidan's arm, craning his neck to read it. "What does it say? You have horribly illegible writing…"

"Hey, try writing with a knife on your own skin and seeing where you're going through the blood."

"Uck, that was a gruesome mental picture." Kakuzu made a face. "That is exactly why it…worries me. What you do to yourself, I mean."

What? There came that almost concern in his word choice…

No, no.

_Just give up. You can never get what you want._

"Fine, don't talk to me anymore." Kakuzu complained, all set to be silent too, but he deciphered the phrase. "Oh, 'tell him'? Is that what it says?"

"Yeah."

_I don't want to talk to you, I don't, I really fucking don't…because the more I think about you the more I _want_ to talk to you…_

To speak those words, to open his firmly shut mouth.

"So who are you telling what to?"

Um. Um.

Think fast…? Cover it up.

"Jashin." He answered cooly, "Just a reminder to tell Jashin how great he is…"

"Ah. Well, I guess I never really had you pegged for the sticky note type…" Kakuzu paused, and Hidan could see a thought flashing unexpectedly into his brain from the windows that were his eyes. "Wait, though. They would you need to _remind _yourself? You worship Jashin every chance you get."

Oh. Oh no.

"Hidan," he said slowly, "What aren't you telling me?"

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

"Tell…telling _you_?"

_No. I'm not going to say a damn word. I'm not going to regret that I'm immortal. I'm not going to wish…_

"One day you're going to be so sick of pretending you're alright."

"I'm not a fucking child…I don't pretend!"

Kakuzu chuckled dryly. "Just like you're not playing a game with your head right now, then?"

_No. Don't suddenly fucking tell me that you know everything. Don't tell me that. If you tell me that, I…_

_I won't have a reason to hate myself anymore._

That was what it was. Hidan needed to hate himself. Why not? It was easier. It was a fuel to keep up this tough façade of his.

Time to finally jump into the water.

The water was murky, and he couldn't tell where he was swimming to, but…

Jump.

_Jump now before all of the 'what ifs' make you go crazy._

He leaned in, blinded by his agonizing heart, moved his mask out of the way and kissed him.

Fuck the world.

He would do anything…anything to get rid of this agony. And he was starting on it now.

Breaking away, sort of surprised at himself, he then felt his silence melting. He wasn't controlling himself anymore; it was his desperate part of him locked in the box calling the shots. "That's…that's what I was supposed to say. Tell you…to tell you that."

Oh, damn it. He'd never been so bold. Damn it, he was sure that he'd just killed any chance he ever had.

Like he ever even had one…

"So…" Kakuzu, ever more flustered by the sudden move, "That…that…oh, it does make sense…why you hated Tobi. But there's nothing between us. That kid is such a trip…"

"The stupid shit always had you," Hidan struggled, wanting to shut up. No, he couldn't shut up. It wasn't working… "He had you all to himself, even if it was only Monopoly or whatever the fuck it's called. I…"

"Jealous, Hidan?" Kakuzu smirked, but stopped right away when he saw the wounded look on the zealot's face. "Ah…"

"Do you want me to leave now?" Hidan regained control of his tongue, and was ready to just retreat to his lonely, bloody little room, with his lonely, bloody knives.

The other murmured quietly, "Why?"

"Oh, I know you fucking want me to go die…! Say it; just say it and I'll try my fucking best…!"

And he would, too. He was always exceptionally good at sabotaging himself and everything he really, truly wanted.

"I won't say any such thing."

_Huh? You…you won't?_

"I…don't want you to go. Even though you are annoying as hell some times, and always so stupid and everything is Jashin, Jashin, Jashin with you, I want you to stay here."

And he stayed.

It seemed like Jashin might have at last heard him…

They sat side by side, slightly awkward, not speaking, but neither left for the longest time.

Finally, a start for them. It was small, very small, but where else to start than from the very beginning?

Kakuzu and Hidan were ready to begin.

--

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End file.
